The Moment I Knew I Had Lost

I thought I was making the safest choice and getting out of the apartment where we were alone. I thought he had stopped. He did. He stopped asking...

“No, Bryan. Stop. I’m not fucking you. Stop,” I say repeatedly as I squirmed out of his arm over and over, his grip continually finding its way back to my skin, each one of his fingers fighting to stay attached to me as if my skin possessed their home. At this point, any perceived safety I had when I opened that door was getting overpowered by my fear of his physical persistence as I looked for a way out. I had never been in this position while alone with a man and I couldn’t McGyver my way out of sexual assault. Normally, I could get them to back off, but not this one...

Photo by Camila Quintero Franco on Unsplash

***

...“Our bodies just fit perfectly together.” No matter how many times I hear him say it, I do not budge. My answer remains the same.

“Bryan, I already said no. I have a boyfriend and I’m not fucking this up. Just stop because I'm not changing my mind.”

“Baby girl, baby girl.” Eventually, he learned this was not the way to success that night. He continued to weave in how disappointed he was that Rob wasn’t around to smoke a bowl with him. Me, too, Bryan. Me, too. Then he finally went full circle, “You want to ride around the block and smoke a bowl?”

Finally! This will get him off my case. At least I can get out if he brings it up again. I can walk home from anywhere around here...

***

...“Aren’t we going back to my apartment,” I asked, hoping I just got turned around in my head on where we were.

“Nah. We’re just gonna go back to my place, ya know,” and that was the last I heard clearly.

I’m not even sure of the exact wording. This was where I froze, and time stood still. I don’t know if it was actually night or not, but it is in my memory. It wasn’t but then it is. There’s a scenery change outside of the car from the time I was sitting back and absorbing (James) Taylor’s music to the moment I froze. It is a dark memory, though.

Somewhere he worked in his thoughts about us having an amazing time last time and how our bodies just perfectly fit together and other shit that he could throw in without allowing a break for a breath because I might sneak in a no between his reasons. I’m sure there were a bunch of “baby girls” tossed around like the sound of them would soften the blow, but all it did was leave me with a trigger phrase for life. Did he ever say my name? Or was I just “baby girl” and Rob’s roommate?

Going 70 down a highway towards Clemson from Greenville did not leave me with many choices. I already knew at that moment that he won. No matter what I did he was going to have his way with me......

...It lives in slow motion for me now…the words falling out of his mouth and floating into mine, choking me so that I could no longer live in that body. I can see myself exhale deeply, like I’ve too often seen from an animal as it passes. I’m sure I inhaled but it is the breath leaving my body that I still remember. Head forward, my body imitating someone who has just been hit in the gut because I had been hit in the gut, my entire midsection thrown backward against the seat, but the seat didn’t stop my soul from exiting out of my back as I hit it. I blew out pieces of me on the interstate and I would never be the same after that moment. Ever.