Does He Know I Know?

I was once told that if you want to get your pick of granite then your husband needs to think it was his idea. Rapists will use method to confuse their victims into thinking it was consensual even when you know it was not.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

He knows what he's doing to me.

He’s raping me after I gave him the fucking of his life last time.

But that’s not why he’s raping me.

He’s raping me because I told him no when he came back for more.

He decided that he would fuck me even though I wasn’t fucking him.

I’m the only one that knows I turned him down. Am I the one he needs to prove something to???

No one tells him no and I better not forget that.

Does he think that no one can see through the ruse since he’s the only one in his head?

I guess it depends on how the story gets told.

He won’t say that I told him no or that I pushed him off of me.

He won’t tell the part where he drove to another county when he was supposed to take me home.

He won’t confess that he knew I passed out earlier that day, hitting my head on the way down.

He won’t share the part that I only smoked a little before asking to stop, but he wouldn’t let me.

He forced the lungs of my 100lb, malnourished body to keep smoking long after he tapped out.

I’ll forget to tell myself that it was ok to freeze and ok to be afraid

Even though I know he isn’t scary, so I should be afraid.

he is really fucking scary,

Anyone that can scare me into silence is someone worthy of my fear.

It’s scary that he could beat me or leave me. It’s scary that he could scar me or kill me.

It’s scary that

he just fucked my mind

more than he could ever fuck my body.

He’s really fucken scary and it’s ok to be afraid.

He knows how to use me in a way that will leave me confused.

Then toss me aside like I was just a temporary prize.

If this is how he treats me when he likes me, then what will happen if I ruin him?

I have to hide the truth from myself until I am so far gone, he can never hurt me again.

If anyone asks, I’ll just say that I was high and let them assume it was me as the seducer.

Why does he get to keep the secret from me for so long? Why can’t I admit he is raping me?

Why does he get to be the scary one and I’m the one that has to be scared?

Why does he even choose to do this to me?